Depression and Anxiety During the Holidays
Does even thinking about the upcoming winter holidays strike you with panic or a severe anxious feeling? Maybe dread and anger? Even if you enjoy seeing your family, there is an overwhelming amount of expectations and events this time of year.
In my line of work, childhood is what most people spend their adult life healing from and the holiday’s bring up a lot of the unhealed family issues. As you age into adulthood your family often become the people who know you least and always try to pull you back to the version they knew. Post holiday depression is real! All of your childhood trauma gets stirred up. Until you can heal those wounds you fall back into those same patterns with family when you see them. It’s like a gravity well that just pulls you in no matter how hard you try not to.
This is why many people are depressed after Christmas or experience Christmas depression before and during Christmas. It can linger and cause New Year's eve depression as well.
You all know me by now, I like solutions. Yes, we take time to feel and process the emotions and life experiences, then we look forward to what can make this better for this year and going forward.
Let’s take a moment to process, dig in and consider what’s really going on inside.
Grab something to write with
Settle into a comfy chair.
Close your eyes and take three deep breaths, inhale through your nose, hold it for a pause and then exhale slowly.
Tune into the emotions that come up when you think about the holidays.
Then open your eyes and consider the following questions and see what comes up. Write down what comes to mind, stream of consciousness style.
Is there a specific person you want to avoid at family events?
Is it your whole family you don’t want to see?
Are you afraid they’re going to mention that one thing from your teen/childhood years, yet again and you feel you have to laugh along with them even though you’d rather die?
Do you feel defensive, like you have to justify everything you say?
Are there religious conflicts?
Are you afraid of being judged for who you are?
Did you experience losing your job this year, or during a prior holiday season?
Do you not have family or don’t see your family because of past conflicts?
Are finances tight and you’re stressed about solving the money problem?
Does your family engage in cruel teasing - where they say something mean to or about you and expect you to take it as a joke and laugh?
Are you worried about gaining a few extra pounds?
Do you feel like you have to attend everything, so you don’t disappoint someone?
Write down anything else that comes up and then continue reading.
Take another deep breath, hold it for a pause and then exhale slowly.
Take back your power this holiday season and find one thing you can reclaim as your own.
Now look at what you wrote and find one thing you can take action on.
It may be setting a boundary of:
Alternating years you attend events, so that you have fewer to do each year. I know it’s common for families to alternate who’s extended family they see each year and for which holiday. i.e. if you do Thanksgiving with your family, then do Christmas with your significant others.
Taking a break this year and going somewhere by yourself, or just hanging out with friends instead
Not discussing certain topics with people that will just turn into an argument
If you have kids, set a sacred time that’s just for you and the kids. Such as spending Christmas morning at home with them and saving other events for evening or different days
If you’re struggling with money, what is a fun experience you could do with everyone that is low cost or free? Such as going to see lights somewhere and you bring the hot cocoa. Or doing a craft together.
The other tradition that is starting to take off is only buying something from these categories: Something they: Want, Wear, Need and Read.
Other ways to deal with money issues is to have everyone select one person to buy for instead of getting something for everyone. In my family I just buy for my handful of nieces and nephews. We don’t buy for siblings or parents anymore.
Another extended family tradition is to adopt a family or pick a charity to contribute to. My mom’s family picks something every year and whoever attends that family event brings what they can to donate.
And I have to claim ignorance on the non-christian holiday’s this time of year and the expected traditions. Some of the above questions may still apply since spending time with family is part of all the traditions.
I’m curious to hear what your thoughts on alternative ways to celebrate the holidays are or rules you’ve set for gift giving. Post on Facebook or Instagram and tag me @FocusedhealingKS
My solution to my dislike of the winter holiday season has been to just not go. I live in a different state from my family, so it is easier to set this boundary of non-attendance. My husband and I often go somewhere cheap and fun in Colorado and just enjoy the time to ourselves.
Loneliness during the holidays
This deserves its own section because being lonely can be the hardest part of this time of year. I know many people don’t have family they can spend the holidays with, or have lost loved ones and feel sad after christmas. Or the rift is permanent and you have to stay away, but feel that loss. Or it could be you don’t have a significant other and so you’re sad on new year’s eve while everyone else seems to have a partner.
Whatever the cause, I want you to know you are not alone. There are many people out there feeling the same way. This is my virtual hug to you and I love you. Yes I can love you without ever knowing you, because you are worthy of love no matter what the gremlins in your mind tell you.
I spent my fair share of time with those gremlins. My depression felt like I was stuck at the bottom of a deep, dark well and every time I made some progress up the side I would inevitably fall back in. A few times I even escaped completely for a while before being pulled back in. I promise there is light out there and if you can hold on a little longer you’ll find it. I truly never thought I could free myself, until I did.
So yes, I love you, because I do know you and I know all the things the inner critic is saying are a lie. You are lovable and deserving of love. I know your trauma says otherwise, but it’s lying. If you can try to get out and about. Meetup and Reddit often have groups getting together for those who have holiday loneliness.
You may be asking how can I love you if I haven’t met you? Many people in this world hate without ever meeting someone, so therefore the opposite is true as well. I can love because everyone is deserving of love.
Resources:
If you’re thinking of harming yourself: https://988lifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-8255. If it’s a crisis moment then dial 988 (for U.S.)
