Does your authentic self show up in how you dress?
From birth, our genitals determine the initial course of our lives. How we are dressed, spoken to, and what is considered “proper” behavior are all based on if we are a girl or boy. We receive explicit and implicit messages on how we are supposed to live our lives.
What happens then if you don’t fit the mold of your gender? You often determine that something must be wrong with you, because you don’t fit what society tells you, you should be. The shitty thing about this, is that most of us can’t live up to this standard because it’s impossible. Because of this, I imagine that a large part of the world population has the belief that “something is wrong with me” or some variation thereof.
I’ve been exploring my personal expression of gender via clothing lately. As a solo-business owner, how I dress reflects not only myself, but my brand. How do I want to show up in the professional world? In my old career I used to wear slacks and some sort of dressy top with dress shoes. Now that I didn’t have to try to fit into an office culture, I could try something different. BUT society’s rules were still breathing down my neck of what a professional woman should look like.
My rebellion began with shoe wear. I’ve been on an important journey of rebuilding my physical strength after my illness, including foot strength. In April I bought a pair of hiking boots that have a large toe-box which allows the toes to spread and do what they are meant to do. As I began networking again in the post-lockdown world, I went into it with the knowledge that my personal health and wellbeing is more important than appearance. I wore those hiking shoes no matter the outfit.
This actually helped with my confidence, staying true to myself and my personal goals allowed me to show up with more confidence in myself and my work as I met new people.
Working my way up the body, pants were determined next. I went on a few shopping sprees attempting to find some more feminine pants and tops to wear. Society was still breathing down my neck to appear feminine, through the propaganda in my own mind that was built by 38 years of messages about what it means to be a woman in America. I bought a few pairs of slacks and also some new hiking/outdoor pants because I’d lost a chunk of weight this year and needed clothes that fit of all styles. I realized that the black outdoor pants looked just as good as the slacks and settled into mostly wearing them while networking. Again, I felt more myself doing so because these were the types of pants I wore outside of work.
The tops were a struggle. In fact, they always have been when it comes to women’s professional wear because I have a long torso. The majority of shirts end up as midriffs or just barely down over the pant line, where it looks awkward and flashes lots of skin. I had some shirts built up in my closet from my previous years in corporate, but they just didn’t reflect who I am anymore. Trapped in a belief that I needed to have a more feminine appearance up top since the lower half was masculine. Since I’m female, I have to show that I am female, right?
(No, is the short answer.)
I kept shopping and trying on things, with a lot of frustration, worrying I would never figure out my look. Finally, I just went to a mall and spent time going into all sorts of stores trying on various clothing, starting to sidle over to the men’s sections more and more. Men’s clothing was long enough, comfortable and still professional. In fact, in my youth I didn’t really start wearing clothes from the women’s departments until college. Hand me downs from my older brothers were a big source of my wardrobe, and I grew used to wearing boys’ clothes.
Finally, as I played with men’s button up shirts, I could see me starting to look back in the mirror. Then I hit gold at Eddie Bauer, a long sleeve unbuttoned dress shirt, that rolled up at the sleeves. Felt right at home and knew this was going to be the staple of my wardrobe.
Again, the programming of society was a worm in my ear. “You need to wear a super feminine shirt under the unbuttoned dress shirt. Don’t want anyone mistaking you as a boy.” This part dragged me down for a while, finding tops that fit well and looked feminine had always been a massive struggle my whole adult life. It was also 100° F outside, too many layers and I would melt.
Throughout this journey my amazing coach had been working with me. After venting about my struggles on our weekly call we dove into a discussion on gender and appearance. She too had gone through this struggle of dressing in a way that reflected her true self. What level of dressiness? What gender of clothing? Hairstyle, accessories and all the little things that are a part of your image.
She gave me a homework assignment to go shopping and try on wildly different outfits. From the most feminine to the most masculine. Then take pictures to see how I looked physically and emotionally. Happy or sullen? Shoulders pulled back and confident, or slumped and dejected? Did my posture reflect the confidence I wanted to show the world?
Turns out that shopping trip was the day I settled on my look, by accident. I had been wearing a basic spaghetti strap tank underneath my shirts for years. After putting on an unbuttoned dress shirt, with rolled up sleeves over the tank top a shit-eating-grin took over my face. Holy hell it was me looking back from the mirror; confidence radiated out. This was it, simple, easy and me. Once I released the idea of having to look feminine simply because I was female my whole world settled into place. The main mistake I had made on previous trips was trying to over-layer, and not having the tank top on that one day I found the dress shirts. Dressing was now easy every day, simply pick out which of the five dress shirts I’m going to wear, everything else the same day in and out.
The first networking event or two I went to after settling I still felt a bit out of place because they were women’s groups. And they were all dressed very feminine, while I presented more masculine.
Diving into this fear of being mistaken as a man, that lingered, the realization that I had been bullied most of my youth for being a masculine female surfaced. There was always an otherness about me, never fitting in anywhere, just flitting between groups, the constant chameleon. I couldn’t understand it, I was just being me, what was wrong with that? But society deemed it wrong because I wasn’t conforming to their expectations. Not that I had much of a chance to do so, my small neighborhood for the first 7 years was all boys and me the lone girl. Running around with the boys, doing whatever they did, how was I to know any different? There was always the edge there because I was a girl, when I wasn’t allowed to do something, they could, or treated as if I was fragile. My young mind had no way of comprehending all of this, so I decided there must be something wrong with me, in part because I was female.
This struggle followed me my whole life and reared its head as I was fully stepping into who I am. Releasing this fear and struggle let me settle into knowing that it is ok to be me, to show up how I want to in this world and dress in a way that reflects this. I even gave a presentation at a women’s group in that next week and had a blast because I knew who I was, and could share this call to authenticity with the audience.
Turns out dressing authentically is not a rebellion at all, rather it’s part of standing fully in the truth of who I am, a masculine female. Given my profession as a hypnotherapist who encourages others to do the same it is vital that I show up as my authentic self. Clients quickly latch on to any incongruencies and it could erode my entire business.
Where are you at on your clothing journey? Have you found the look that feels like the truest expression of you? If you are struggling with this, I charge you with the same assignment my coach gave me. Go to a department store, and try on outfits that are wildly different along the range of masculine to feminine. Take photos of yourself, and see which ones you smile in, shoulders pulled back, straighter posture. That’s when you’ll know you’ve found the right option for you.
(For your entertainment here are some of the photos of me trying on the range of outfits)
